The 'Livre Noir' of Sex Ed
by amethystjck
Summary: Uphauled by the lack of material involving sexual practices in the library Hermione has begun her own course of study on sexuality. She has begun using a ‘peu de livre noir’ exclusively for the sake of research. Fortunately for her, the Board of Governor
1. Chapter 1

This is my first fanfic and since I usually have a great deal of difficulty being serious, I decided to combine The Sex Ed and The Little Black Book challenges just for my own entertainment. This is simply a parody of J.K.'s work as well as fanfics I find entertaining(and a few I don't). If there are things that seem to be cliche', trust me, I did it on purpose. I couldn't bring myself to borrow the characters and not have a little fun with them.

Hermione settled into her usual desk in the Transfiguration classroom. Shuffling through her books, she tried to ensure the concealment of her 'peu de livre noir', a black muggle journal that she had enchanted using the 'livre noir' spell she had learned from none other than Ginny Weasley. She was extraordinarily curious as to what the new emergency course could possibly be. 'It must be very important for the Board of Governors to have owled the requirements at dinner time,' she thought.

A very officious looking ministry owl had dropped a package into Dumbledore's lemon custard near the end of desert just a short while ago. A solemn look on his bespectacled face, he had left the Great Hall before returning only fifteen minutes later and discussing the contents of the package with the deputy Headmistress. She looked very displeased with whatever the news was. Dumbledore had immediately announced that all seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins needed to report to the Transfiguration classroom immediately following dinner. Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were informed that their seventh years were required to meet in the Charms classroom.

'Poor Hufflepuffs,' Hermione thought. 'It just seems a little unfair to pair them with Ravenclaws for almost everything pertaining to academics.' Sitting back up in her chair before looking to her left, and glancing at the shock of red that one would have assumed was attached to something dead by its' lack of movement, were it not for the loud snores issuing from it; she amended her previous thought. 'Then again, poor Ravenclaws.'

At that very moment there was a commotion in the teachers lounge as Dumbledore explained to the staff exactly what this emergency class was about.

"Absolutely not ," stated Minerva McGonagall coldly. Her face was turning an odd sort of plum shade under her spectacles in her attempt to keep from losing her temper. "It is the responsibility of the parents to explain that sort of thing to the children. That is the way it has always been done."

"Possibly,"said Snape icily, "the parents are, shall we say, _struggling_ with a way to keep from adding insult to injury in their families."

"That is no way to talk about the children!"stated Pomona Sprout firmly.

"As evidenced by the number of our dear students reproducing before graduation," Snape said softly, looking at his colleague and seemingly finding her intelligence to be somewhere around the level of those they were discussing. "I suppose that what they obviously lack in planning, they surely make up for in an _enthusiasm_ that, dare I say, does not seem to be present in children,"he finished, the hint of a smile curving his thin lips.

"Severus is correct. The students taking the course will all be of age and in their seventh year. Aside from this very important fact, there has been a mandate from the Board of Governors. We must choose our battles carefully and this sexual education course constitutes a much needed addition to the curriculum here at Hogwarts."

"Fine,"said McGonagall scornfully. The look on her face clearly indicating what she thought of the whole mess.

"As we have, unfortunately, not been provided with adequate time to locate a professor for the course, I have been required to make a few arrangements. I have found an expert on the subject who will be alternating between classrooms while each of you," he glanced around the lounge, "will take a turn assisting her due to her lack of experience in the classroom," he said as he walked over to the fireplace before grabbing a pinch of floo powder from the mantel and putting his head through.

"Are you ready, Molly?" he inquired.

A stunned gasp went through the faculty lounge. "Well, well, it does seem that he has managed to procure the assistance of the foremost expert," Snape said silkily. He received a sharp elbow in the ribs from McGonagall, who then sent a pointed glance to Ermengarde Hooch, whose laughter subsided into small hiccoughing noises, then silence. Snape lounged in his chair obviously unrepentant.

"Yes, I'll be through in just a moment," the room heard before Albus withdrew his head and a plump, ginger haired matron stepped over the edge of the fireplace and into the room. Hastily wiping her brow with the corner of her apron, she cleaned off the soot from her travel. Setting her bag at her feet she looked around the room at the other occupants, searching for the faces most familiar to her.

"Hello, Minerva," she said beaming at her friend after deciding that if she could ignore Severus's comments for a few decades, she could ignore them today as well. She did after all, have an example to set for students now.

"Hello, Molly. How is Arthur doing?" Minerva inquired returning the other womans' smile with her own prim one.

"Ah, perfect. I don't see why I didn't think of it before! Thank you for volunteering Minerva." said Albus, his blue eyes merrily twinkling.

"Pardon? For wha-,"she began to respond.

"No need to thank me. I do believe however, that there are students eagerly awaiting your arrival in your classroom." Dumbledore said. He shooed the two women from the lounge as Minerva gave him a look that screamed of at least a week of pussy probation.

'I'll have to make it up to her later, so she doesn't decide that claws on my genitals are proper retribution,' he thought warily. 'On the bright side, I finally have the break from sex that I was hoping for. I am so very tired! Now where did I put those damn lemon drops? Ah, there they are,' he thought. Shuffling through his pockets, he turned to face the remainder of the faculty once again as he popped the candy into his mouth.

"Filius, you will be teaching the other classroom this evening, followed by Pomona tomorrow evening. Severus.."

"Ah, yes,"Snape said steepling his fingers. "I believe I can take off one night from the joys of marking their essays so that I may once again, after a lovely day of attempting to educate them, experience the delirium I get when in all of their presences."

"That is the nicest thing I've ever heard him say about the little dears," whispered Professor Sprout to Madame Hooch. Ermengarde wanted to tell the plump woman that the statement was actually Severus's way of complaining, but didn't want to ruin her mood. Instead of enlightening her, she chose to simply give her a reassuring pat on her arm.

"Ronald Bilus Weasley! You lift you head from that desk this instant. Is this what I'm sending you to school for? So you can sleep throughout the entire day? I swear you're worse than your father was until he found out about the muggle potion, Espressto." Once again Arthur's' inventive words for items of muggle origin found themselves surfacing in unlikely places.

Groggily, the red hairy lump next to Hermione stirred before lifting itself to expose a freckled face with large blue eyes. Blinking them a few times to adjust to the light of the classroom, Ron turned to Hermione. "I just had a horrible nightmare that my mum was here at Hogwarts. Here. Yelling at me! Something about waking up. It was ghastly,"he continued, all the while ignoring the attempts Hermione was making to tell him turn around. When he finally turned, he was greeted by a frowning Molly Weasley. The Slytherins, as well as a good number of Gryffindors snickered.

Molly decided that for the sake of not having a scene on her first day of employment at her new job, she needed to join Minerva, who had already made her way to the front of the classroom. Nodding at Molly briefly before turning to face the classroom, McGonagall began the lesson.

"Now, I'm sure you are all dying to know what this new class is that has been mandated by the board and unfortunately cuts into your evening studies as there is no other time available to conduct it." McGonagall said to the class.

Hermione nodded eagerly at this. Beaming at her cub, Minerva continued. "It is an extremely important subject that is to be regarded seriously and with the utmost respect of the material and your classmates."

She paused briefly to give each of her fidgeting students a glance that caused them to fidget even more. "Graciously, Molly Weasley, the expert in the topic matter to be discussed has agree to assist in teaching the sexual education course. Myself and other members of the staff will be sharing the responsibility of overseeing the classroom and providing supplemental material."

"I suppose we're buggered when it comes time to learn about birth control," Draco whispered to his two goons. Crabbe and Goyle snickered appreciatively.

"That will be all from you Mr. Malfoy," McGonagall said.

'She had to know something about birth control to have stopped after Ginny,' thought Hermione. She knew that a witch's childbearing years far surpassed the duration of that of their muggle counterparts. She was eagerly looking forward to learning everything she possibly could in this class. Over the past year and a half she had been conducting her own research due to the gross lack of material in the Hogwarts library on sexual practices in the wizarding world.

She had unfortunately been been forced to rely on muggle contraceptives. It seemed that the belief about them in the wizarding world fell under the list of topics people seemed to feel one's mother should explain. It had been embarrassing when she had wanted to make Blaise wear a condom, only to have him chuckle before showing her a few of the STD prevention charms he had learned from his father. After her session with Blaise, she promised herself never to be so poorly prepared again. Earlier this summer she had cast a glamour over herself before sneaking off to order books on various sexual practices from the annex of a popular brothel. She was still hoping for a chance to sneak off to Knockturn Alley to pick up the titles she had ordered.

"Hello, class! I suppose we should begin with a question and answer session just to see where everyone is in their knowledge of human sexuality," Molly said cheerfully. Hermione smiled at the stout woman as her hand shot in the air. Now here was someone who could explain a great many things to her about sex that would enhance her personal research, all while she hid behind the guise of inquiring know-it-all.

"Yes, Hermione?"

"Mrs. Weasley, would you please describe for me the most common thing that happens for a witch loosing her virginity?" Hermione asked.

"Are you inquiring about vaginal or anal sweetheart?" Molly responded. This was met with the shock of many students and given the greenish hue overcoming his face, the disgust of Ron.

"Vaginal, please,"Hermione responded. She had lost all of her virginities, with the exception of vaginal during the course of her research. She knew that her virgin blood was a powerful ingredient in various potions and she wanted to ensure that she knew how to properly collect it before losing that particular cherry. 'Waste not, want not,' she thought.

"Very well. There is a very important procedure that should be observed when one is losing their vaginal virginity."

Hermione's ears perked up. Here it was, just the juicy tidbit that she had been waiting for! Her quill poised above her parchment, she waited, an anticipatory gleam showing in her eyes.

"You should have a cloth that has some kind of special meaning to you to place under yourself as you are being deflowered. Now this cloth can be made of any material, but it must be charmed to..."

Ron's face turned various shades during the remainder of the hour long lesson ranging from deep crimson to olive green. Hermione's quill barely left her parchment except for when she was getting more ink, as Molly answered the students' many questions.

Then it came, the one thing that made Hermione's jaw drop in abject horror and her facial expression match the one that Ron had been wearing for the vast majority of the class.

"I really do think it is important for all of you to learn about the loss of your anal virginity. That's actually quite a bit more complicated than your vaginal and produces a far more valuable potion ingredient. The proper process for this involves..."

Hermione stared ahead numbly, barely hearing the words as she scratched them out onto her parchment. All she could think was, 'how could I have been such an _imbecile_?'


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione made her way to the Gryffindor common room in a daze. How could this have happened to her, of all people? A year and a half of meticulous research only to find that her anal virginity had been squandered on Draco Malfoy of all people! Well, perhaps not squandered, but still she could have gained so much more through the experience of harvesting the ingredient properly. The primary benefit of that liaison was that since they had both enjoyed themselves greatly as well as being the two top students in their year; they had agreed to meet at least once a year to practice tantric magic that involved the aging process and would only work on the next step annually with the same partner. If they kept it up for at least the next five years, they would have progressed farther than any couple starting in their age range had for well over two hundred years. 

Lost in thought, she hardly even noticed when Ron and Harry sat down for a game of chess right next to the window seat where she stared blankly ahead.

"Hello, Earth to Hermione! Hermione?" Harry said waving his hands in front of her face when he noticed that she hadn't moved for the past twenty minutes.

"It's a lost cause, mate,"Ron responded turning slightly red. He would know. He had been one of Hermiones' test subjects and the look that she wore on her face now closely resembled the one that she had when she first saw his unit. After that she had not wanted to run any more studies on him, but out of the loyalty born from friendship and quite frankly, given his size, pity, she arranged to run anal sex studies with him once a month. 

The rating she had for the most recent study of him read something like this in peu de livre noir directly next to the crystal that was charmed to contain a semen sample from the encounter:

_Test Subject: Ronald Bilius Weasley_

Flaccid Length: 2.54 cm Erect Length: 7 cm

Girth: 6.1 cm Shape of Tip: Conical

Circumcised: No Type of Study: Anal

Pleasurable: For him Painful: Painfully boring

Duration of Encounter: 45 loooong minutes

Observations: I managed to learn a new charm perfectly this time. I've been practicing it for the past half an hour. It is a little disheartening that I won't be able to finish the next step since it requires brewing a potion and I'm not in a potions lab right now. Oh shit! I think that the grunting coming from my backside means that Ron is finishing. I need to record everything before he attempts to read it. Nosy bugger!

Results: I'm no longer being jerked about so I can finally review my charm one last time before heading to the potions lab I've set up in the attic.

If Ron had any common sense when it came to dealing with members of the opposite sex, he would be pleased that she had made the same oath he made that promised discretion. That being said, common sense did not exist for him in that particular arena. He wished that he could tell someone, just so people would know that he was getting laid. As this thought crossed his mind he noticed Neville approaching them. After greeting Harry and Ron, the shy young wizard turned to face Hermione.

"Hermione, what was it you needed my help with?"he inquired timidly wondering what she could possibly need his help with.

Hearing that her newest test subject was ready to be primed, Hermione slowly returned to the land of the living.

"Pardon? Oh, yes. Neville, if you will come with me, I felt that you needed some tutoring in private. If you will follow me to the room of requirement, please," Hermione responded before grabbing and her bag and briskly walking to her destination.

Never one to argue with Hermione when the situation seemed harmless enough, he followed her out of the common room and through the halls stopping only long enough for Hermione to focus on the kind of room needed for her purposes. Opening the door she hurried Neville through before entering herself.

As Neville looked around, bewildered by what appeared to be the interior of a rather posh hotel suite, Hermione coaxed him to the sofa nearest them . As was her habit, before explaining anything to the unsuspecting man in front of her, she had him pull out his wand and make an oath of discretion regarding any events that transpired between them during the course of the next two hours. Satisfied, she began revealing to him what his oath pertained to and watched his face go from a look of confusion to; was that a look of confidence? She shook her head. Impossible! It just couldn't be. Could it?

Pulling out her journal she began setting up the area around the bed before turning to Neville and what she saw stopped her dead in her tracks.

Her recording of that particular session reads as follows:

_Test Subject: Neville Franklin Longbottom_

Flaccid Length: 16.4 cm Erect Length: 27 cm

Girth: 20.57 cm Shape of Tip: Mushroom

Circumcised: Yes Type of Study: Anal and Oral

Pleasurable: Mutual, until he entered 

Painful: YES

Duration of Encounter: 85 minutes

Observations: I surprisingly enjoyed his cunnilingus skills. If we hadn't taken that oath I would seriously consider penning a thank you note to Ginny for teaching him and telling him that it was a requirement for all sexual encounters. I'll just have to do something nice for her without telling her why.

When he entered it was so extraordinarily painful that I blacked out for a few minutes. When I came to he had pulled out and had a concerned look on his face. As soon as he was sure I was alright the same thing happened. Over and over and fucking over again. Finally I yelled at him and told him that he had to choose whether to be in or out because otherwise this was simply not going to work.

Results: I would begin to get used to his size just before he would pull out and come all over my arse. His excuse was that he liked the way it looked. WIZARDS! I had to, yet again, tell him that he needed to choose one, in or out! I'm fine with a man being able to have multiple orgasms, but dammit, that was ridiculous and it hurt. Speaking of hurt, I might have hurt his feelings. I'll have to make it up to him somehow. Maybe a nice blow job for our next session because I'm never doing anal with him again!

After she turned in for the evening, visions of the day began to torment her. Hermione tossed and turned the entire night. Constantly haunting her were Mrs. Weasley's words about anal virginity coupled with comparisons of the men whose results inhabited her enchanted little black book.

That morning she woke up determined to double her research efforts in the hopes of making up for the lack of information that had led to her saving the wrong virginity. She had to get to Knockturn Alley and she knew exactly what she had to do to get there.

She was still obsessing over her dilemma as she ate her breakfast. Then it came to her. It was high time to call in a favor from Draco. Squinting her eyes, while absent mindedly sipping her pumpkin juice, Hermione began to plan.

At the head table members of the staff chatted amicably with their new sex expert. All, but Severus Snape, who surreptitiously observed the seventh year students interacting so as to gauge what their reactions were to the previous evenings' lesson. That was why, when his gaze swept over the Gryffindor table and he caught the look on the face of the resident know-it-all, he knew that something was amiss. Running his finger across his lip, he subtly gripped his wand with his free hand. 'Legilimens!' he thought before gently probing the Granger girl's mind, so as not to attract her attention. 'Very interesting,' he thought to himself. 'Very interesting indeed.'

As Hermione left her double potions class, she felt eyes on her. Turning around, she was met with the depth less black gaze of her potions professor.

"I don't seem to recall requesting you to block the doorway to my classroom, Miss Granger," Snape sneered.

"No, Sir you didn't," Hermione responded, still not turning around. Why had Professor Snape been looking at her like that? Moreso, why had he permitted her to catch him observing her? Something was not quite normal and that knowledge put her on edge. Her professor was up to something and it involved her.

"As moronic as the majority of you peer group is, Miss Granger,"Snape said uncrossing his slim legs, before leaning forward to emphasize his point, "I would expect for you to understand a simple request to remove yourself from my doorway. In or out, choose one."

Hermiones' jaw dropped at his subtle reference to the journal entry she had completed at breakfast this morning. Determined to do some extra research last night, she had chosen to call upon Neville to assist her. It was the least he could do after all of the assistance she had provided to him in the past, without which he would have completely failed potions instead of barely scraping an 'acceptable'.

It had been a total disaster, needless to say. Although he possessed more than adequate equipment, Hermione had ended up yelling at him, "In or out, choose one!" multiple times before storming out of the room of requirement and back to her own room. That was why, in spite of herself, she found her feet unwilling to move as she locked gazes with her professor. He couldn't know, could he?

She had carefully made Neville as well as each of her other partners make a wand oath before sexual congress. Could she have slipped up and forgotten? No, definitely not. Deciding that she needed to know just what was up with her professor's strange behavior, she stepped back into the room and away from the door.

"I choose, _in_, professor," she said bravely approaching Snape's desk.

Never breaking his eye contact with the young witch in front of him, Severus responded smoothly, "Well, well, well...I believe that, perhaps, you have made the right choice, Miss Granger."


	3. Chapter 3

"I choose, _in_, professor," she said bravely approaching Snape's desk.

Never breaking his eye contact with the young witch in front of him, Severus responded smoothly, "Well, well, well...I believe that, perhaps, you have made the right choice, Miss Granger."

He stood and crossed the distance between them.

"Sir?" Hermione asked before one slender finger touched itself to her lips, silencing her.

Snape removed his wand from his robes, silencing and locking the door. "I believe it is time for your next test subject."

"Sir, what do you mean?" Hermione enquired already having a pretty good idea where this was leading to.

"Do not play moron to me, Miss Granger, you just chose in and in you shall get," Snape said, smirking. "I hope you don't mind if I take charge of this little experiment. No, of course you don't. Did you, perhaps, just discover that quite possibly you don't know everything?"

Hermione just stared. He was still the professor she had grown to respect, but why were his derisive comments turning her on? Why did she want to do what he said? She slowly made her way over to his desk as he instructed her with his dark silky voice. Placing her palms on his desk and standing still as he instructed, she felt his tapered fingers brush over her robes in a slow, sensuous movement. He then moved her hair back over her shoulders. Drifting his fingers provocatively down the side of her neck, scraping gently on her collarbone before pausing briefly on the hardened peaksof her breasts. She found herself involuntarily leaning into his touch as he wove his web of desire around her.

Speaking in the same silky voice, he began lecturing her. "There is a great deal that can be said about pleasure," he said cupping her breasts in his palms before running his hands down her sides. With a feathery touch he undid the clasps of her robes before letting them pool to floor. "Proper experimentation is vital," he softly stated right next to her ear. Feeling her breath quicken as his fingers worked their magic, Hermione mentally scolded herself for being so turned on by her professor's advances.

As his hand slipped under her uniform skirt and found the juncture of her thighs, he heard her gasp. His smile was calculating as he continued his ministrations, wrapping his sinewy arm around her from behind.

With his free hand he undid the clasps on his robes that covered his growing erection. Releasing himself and wrapping his fingers around it he hissed into her ear, "Lean forward, Miss Granger."

Removing his hand from his aroused flesh he grabbed his wand and silently muttered a lubrication charm. Returning his wand to his robes, he then guided his pulsing tumescence into her. She stiffened in surprise.

"Relax, girl!" he hissed tying to ignore the sensation created by her muscles tightening around him. As she slowly relaxed them, he began to thrust.  
Dinner in the Great Hall was the same as usual with a few small exceptions. The first of these being that Hermione was constantly mumbling, "in or out, choose one" under her breath. The second was that Neville was blushing furiously for no reason as he walked by and heard.

The young wizard still felt bad for getting carried away the previous night, but now that Ginny was in a relationship with Harry again, he often had to take care of his needs manually. When Hermione had offered him her arse, he had barely been able to control himself. As much as masturbating provided a quick release, after awhile it was unsatisfactory compared with the real thing. As little Neville twitched under the table in response to the direction of his thoughts, he knew he had to find a way back into Hermione's arse.

A few seats away Ron was also thinking about Hermione's arse. It had been three weeks since their last encounter and he desperately wanted to get laid again. Looking over and seeing her condition, he immediately changed the course of his thoughts. There had been times where he had been convinced that she was slowly going off the deep end, and her mutterings lent themselves to him deciding that this might just be the prelude to the big one. The time where his slightly mental friend got hauled off to St. Mungos for evaluation.

As they finished their dinner, each deep in thought, the most powerful wizard in the school sat discussing the upcoming Sex Ed course with his surly potions professor, who was assigned to teach it that very evening. "Severus are you quite sure it's a Livre Noir?"enquired Dumbledore.

Snape shot the headmaster a pointed look before replying. "I believe that it is, shall we say, Miss Grangers' latest attempt to be an insufferable know-it-all Gryffindor backfiring on her."

Dumbledore's eyes lingered upon those of his potion master momentarily. "I see what you are talking about. I will approve your request for private tuteledge of her on one condition."

"What would that be?"

"Get her to stop in school sexual relations with all of her other test subjects except for young Mr. Malfoy and yourself," Dumbledore said calmly.

"But, that creates the possibility she will become entirely too attached to me. I merely wanted to relieve some tension, I do not wish to be plagued with the aggravation of the know -it..."Snape began before being interrupted by the headmaster.

"That is my final word, Severus. She might not be aware of it, but you understand that there are wizarding STD's she has no knowledge of that can do anything from draining an individual's magic to driving them insane. She is too valuable to Potter to allow that to happen because of adolescent experimentation."

"Must it always come down to your precious, Potter?" Snape asked, unable to keep the edge of venom from his voice.

"I'm afraid that it has to, Severus."

Following dinner the seventh years headed towards the classrooms assigned to the teachers responsible for their sexual education today.

"I can't believe that Dumbledore is having Snape teach us Sex Ed today!"exclaimed Ron.

"That's Professor Snape, Ronald."

Ignoring Hermione's statement the boys continued to discuss Snape's potential level of expertise in sex.

"No one has probably ever stooped to having sex with that greasy bastard,"Harry said.

Shaking her head and once again thinking, 'wizards!' Hermione headed towards the potions classroom, only to find Neville waiting by the door. She groaned to herself and once again thought, 'Why me? Is there someone up there who thinks it's funny to do this to me?' Doing her best to ignore Neville in spite of her promise to make it up to him later, she stalked toward the front of the classroom. Brushing an errant curl out of her face, she pulled out her parchment and quill.

Snape saw the events surrounding her entrance. 'She obviously has no desire to endure the abysmal skills of Longbottom again,' he thought. As the students wandered in and began to settle down, Snape insured that this evenings topic was on the chalkboard.

"STD's, Severus? Shouldn't we try to ease them into that one first?" Molly queried, attempting to be polite when she didn't see why they needed to address that just yet.

"I daresay the young wizards in this class might, perhaps, be just a trifle concerned if their bait and tackle mysteriously dropped from their personage," Severus responded dryly. Molly's mouth dropped open as she gaped at his words.  
"Now you listen, there is no need to scare the children-", Molly began before being interrupted by Severus.

"Although I find it quite touching that you and your dear husband have managed to stay together long enough to produce a veritable horde of children to grace my classroom," Severus said softly, a look of obvious derision on his angular features. "I refuse to hold out hope that these students have even begun to know the meaning of the word monogamy.

"Why, I never tho-"Molly began only to once more be interuppted by Severus. "Please do put your temper on hold, Molly. It is most unbecoming and we wouldn't want you to set a bad example for the students, would we?"Molly's face matched her hair, fire dancing in her angry gaze as she tried to pull herself together so that they could begin the lesson.

"Today we will be discussing various forms of sexually transmitted diseases. There is a vast array, both wizarding and muggle that you should learn the proper way to defend yourself against. I have no great desire to inform you of things which might protect your family lines and God forbid, force me to endure your abysmally dimwitted progeny. However, given that this is a sexual education course and not an orgy, it remains one of the most important items for you to attempt to wrap your minds around."

"It's almost like he wants our dicks to fall off!"Harry whispered to Ron, who, at the mention of STD's covered his own small member as if to protect it from some unseen danger.

This action solicited laughter from a group of Slytherins seated nearby, including one Draco Malfoy. Earlier that day, Draco had found a charm that revealed what was under a person's clothes. All day he had been using it for the entertainment of his friends.

"Look, the Weasel is trying to protect his imaginary friend. I doubt anyone would even notice the difference if it dropped off," he said before finding out why the entire Weasley clan was intimidated by Molly

Pinching his ear and dragging the struggling young man to an upright position, Molly's infamous temper began to rear its' head. "Draco Malfoy, you will apologize to Ronald this very moment young man!"

"Molly, perhaps, if you let Mr. Malfoy go, he would be able to enlighten us as to why he and your son felt the need to interrupt my class."

"But Severus-,"Moly began.

"Mr. Malfoy? It is quite possible, Molly, that he would actually be able to answer me, if you, perhaps, chose to release your hold on his ear," Severus said coldly as Molly loosened her grip and glared at the troublesome young man.

"Well sir, we were simply sitting here, minding our own business when-,"

"That's not true!"said Ron. "He implied that my package didn't even exist!" At this Hermione begun giggling. It begun quite small as she tried to contain it before reducing the young woman to a fit of laughter where tears shone in her eyes as she tried to calm herself down.

Fot the first time, Snape found himself loosing control of the classroom and he did not like it in the least. "Silence!"he snarled, shooting a withering look around the room. Immediately the students stilled. All, but for one Hermione Granger who had taken out a handkerchief to wipe the tears of laughter from her eyes.

"Do you think the mediwizards in white cloaks are going to come drag her off to Saint Mungos this time?" Harry asked Ron, looking at their still giggling friend.

"I think so," Ron whispered back.

"Cease that noise this instant,"Snape said towering over Hemione , whose laughter finally subsided as she looked up into the flashing eyes of her professor.  
"That will be 20 points from Gryffindor for disturbing my class. Oh, and Miss Granger do not expect to leave this classroom tonight."


End file.
